51: Take Me Back to Uganda

Take me back to Uganda, the land of my people. The place where most of my kin live. Where I can decide I need a hug from my grandmother during a tough day at work and get it by the end of the day. The city, Kampala, is small enough for me to navigate after work and still be home in time for dinner and a good night’s sleep.

Take me back to the place where I don’t need an AC on the hottest days nor a heater on the coldest ones because it’s right at the Equator. And we all know tropical weather is the best. The place where I smell the soil when it rains, and the clean air after the skies clear. Where I can climb a tree to pick my fresh fruit instead of walking into Sainsbury’s to buy one that lacks the sweetness of a fruit that’s lived it’s full life out on the tree.

Take me back to the place where I see and talk to my parents everyday if I want to. I can still talk to them now, but I miss their facial expressions. Their faces say much more than the words. I want to dance to kadongo kamu and Zouk with them and talk about more than just how I’m getting on. I want to attend my cousins’ weddings with them (can’t lie, I miss being my mother’s handbag) and share opinions after. I miss hearing my dad say, “mbalesse!” To my mum and I as we get ready to leave the house.

Take me to back to my brothers. They may be a source of my stress sometimes but we do have some good times when they aren’t ganging up against me. Calling me names and shit. I learnt to hold my own too though. Always a good laugh

Take me to my friends! Lizzie, Mandy, Phoebe, and Irene. The mad girls that brighten up my WhatsApp now. I need the tea and chapati/samosa moments. I have them after church now but without my girls it isn’t the same. Plus it’s church, I really cannot say have the same conversations I have with them.

Come on, just take me! At least before winter or my next birthday.

50: Prayer & Listening to your gut

“We pray to God for what we want but sometimes we are too pig-headed to listen to what He is trying to tell us.” – Victor Nambago (aka my uncle)

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Ever prayed for something and heard your heard tell you another? An example is when you are in a tough situation, let’s say a relationship, you pray for it to be fixed but God or the Universe is telling you to pray for yourself to heal after the whole ordeal has ended. It happens to me A LOT! Now I am not a very spiritual person. I cannot even say I am that prayerful either. In fact sometimes when things are looking mad for me and I decide to pray to God, I feel guilty asking for help. Simply because I don’t feel I am faithful enough to be rewarded. I have a complicated relationship with spirituality but that’s a story for another day.

The story that inspired this post is short but it is going to sound really weird to some who read it. Just last week, my mother called me to tell me that an aunt of mine, who had fought and won the battle against breast cancer last year, had been hospitalised again. The cancer had spread further into her body and hadn’t been noticed the first time. The instructions to me were to PRAY! And I did, I honestly did. Over the weekend though, whenever I prayed for her to recover, my conscience would change it to a prayer for her to rest in peace. Now as someone that chose (quite recently) to always listen to her intuition, I was bothered! I kept asking myself why I was fighting to pray for the right thing. Of course no one wants to lose their loved one. I was not getting the answer I was looking for. Until today, when I woke up to the news that my aunt had lost the battle. It was baffling that I wasn’t shocked. Of course I was devastated that a family member has left us but it didn’t hit me as hard as I expected. It’s until I shared my thoughts with my uncle that he cleared it up for me.

So what’s the moral of the story? Your intuition, God and the Universe all tell us different things all the time but our “all knowing” brains never listen. We think logic is everything and when stuff we cannot explain or work out happens, we are shocked. Most times in the deepest parts of our guts we know the truth. Don’t ignore your gut.

RIP Auntie, till we meet again on the other side.

49: Evaluating My Decisions

Or taking stock, whatever you may want to call it.

Things in my life are falling into place. Slowly, but they’re still falling into place. Not in the order I wanted them to according to my vision board though. I honestly will not complain about the order because I’m still getting what I wanted to anyway. I am grateful! The time has come for me to ask myself the questions I have put aside for 6 months (I knew they would come up but answering them at that time would have left me in confusion and made me stall) I’m a big time procrastinator, getting stalled is not a joke!

So the questions! It’s basically the usual ones;

  • Am I heading down the right path?
  • Am I getting fulfilment from the life I’m living?
  • Am I following through with my goals? (It has to be asked when you have a habit of getting lost in the sauce like I do) Let’s be honest, it’s good for focus but not for moving forward or knowing when to end. 
  • Am I balancing the scales of my life while at it?

Out of all of them, the last one is the most important. I’ve always found it hard to strike a good balance with the mess in my head. I focus on one thing to forget the other, especially when it proves to be hard. I keep it until it’s impossible to avoid then I work on it. It is a horrible habit. I am working hard to beat it…

Still loving myself 😊

48: Healing

I have been away for a while and like the title says, I have been all about the healing process. Not that much has happened in my life. Let’s be honest, it’s basically been a work-home routine. Sometimes life gets at you and you forget the extras that add sprinkles to it. It’s not the reason I have taken time off to heal though. I have just been drained emotionally for a while.

Since election time, to be precise, I had decided to go against all my promises to myself and engage in the media fully. I couldn’t afford to be ignorant at at a time like this. My Constitution said I had to know. We all have to. What I had didn’t take into account was why I weaned myself off the news in the first place by at least 80%. It takes a lot of energy from me!

For the past 6 years, I have been taking in only the main points in the news. No details, no emotional drain. Actually, I read the little strips at the bottom of the screen whenever the anchors are talking (their rehearsed voices are noise to me.) It has been my way of life and it has worked perfectly for me. As an empath, it is what I can manage. I seek out emotional energy naturally. I see joy, sadness and pain and I take it on like it’s my own. This is why the news messes up my system. It is also the reason why I stay away from hospitals and avoid all eye contact if I have to be in one. I read more than I want to see in faces and voices around me so I have to control what I take in to stay emotionally balanced.

These past weeks have had a lot of pain and suffering in the news. Not to say that it is more than ever, but because I have been indulging in more of it every day, to me it is more magnified. My worry, anxiety and anger have escalated. Sometimes to boiling point but because I lack ways ways to describe it, it’s come out in tears (also the easiest form of expression for me.) The situation got so bad that I haven’t slept properly in a while. That, coupled with the heat, has had me sleeping for about 4 hrs and less every night. I’ve basically been living on coke and coffee for the days I’ve been working (thank God there’s an endless supply of both at work or I would have been in crippling debt.)

With all that going on, I’ve been slowly burning out and not replenishing my reserves. Last good break I got was an hour sitting buy the river watching the water. It was calming but I need more. So starting next weekend, I’m going to chill for a bit. I still have work lined up for the next 5 or so days, I cannot run away yet. I need to flush my system, spend time with my classical music, zoned out and enjoying the world on mute! I can’t lie, most people are so loud! Especially on Twitter but that’s a story for another day. I’m getting me some healing 😊

Some skittles? No? Okay, I guess my sweet tooth should be thankful for your decline 😊

47: Humanity still has it’s beauty

Today I woke up at 6:30 am to a call from my dad, asking me whether I had seen the news on the fire in London. My first thought was, “Huh?! What is he talking about?” After our conversation ended, I went to my first news source, Twitter, to see what was going on. I didn’t expect the sight my eyes met with. A fire so large engulfing Grenfell Tower that it deserved the inferno from hell description it got. I read the accounts from the survivors, witnesses and everyone that was at the scene at the time. I read about how the tenants had warned their landlord about the hazard that was the building. I am not here to point fingers but to cut the long story short, it was enough for me to say that a lot of negligence went on. It has been a dark day, watching the horror being fought by the fire brigade, people frantically looking for their loved ones. It is all heartbreaking.

With all this darkness however, there is always a silver lining. Something that makes you think we, as humans, are not as savage as we are played out to be. The response from everyone, making donations both at the refuge centres and online, offering their homes to the now destitute tenants. They have lost everything and people have come up in all ways they can to provide for them. It’s been a beautiful sight today. Humanity still has its beauty tucked under all the filth we manage to see everyday on the news (there’s almost no positivity broadcasted these days!) As much help is needed, not just today, but until the victims of the fire are rehoused and they pick up with their lives. So I am sharing a few go fund me pages I have seen on my time line so far. Every little helps.

Grenfell Tower Fire Fund by Charmaine Hayden

Marvin Abbey Grenfell Tower Fund

These two are the ones that have made it to my time line so far. Started by two people who have decided to take the initiative they want to see around them. It’s a beautiful one, support them where you can.

May the souls of the departed Rest in Peace and may all the ones affected otherwise by the fire be comforted and continue to receive the love they have been shown today.

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46: I Drew A Blank

I don’t know why, it just happened. It happened last week. I had a lot to say, and I drew a blank. Trying to recollect my mind in my notes now. Nothing much for me to say yet. The mind is sometimes it’s own entity. When it runs to a halt, you let it be. I learned early not to force anything. Take the break when you need it. Always do, it’s self care. You have got to take the initiative yourself. No one is going to be there to tell you to take care of yourself or better still, make you do it. No one! Unless your being unwell costs them a lot. And even then, they’d rather let you go than bother with you. Sounds tough but that is the world we’re in.

I drew a blank, and I am taking the time off to fix it because I care about me first 😊

Here is a picture of a canal somewhere in Uxbridge for you to enjoy. See the swan? It’s beautiful, isn’t it 😊

45: Drew Barrymore

The song by SZA, not the actress. My first listen of CTRL, SZA’s new album and this song is already on replay. Track number 4! I haven’t gone through the whole list to 14 yet, but I’ve decided in my heart of hearts that this one is where I’m camping for now. See, it’s gotten me in my feelings. Deep! Much further than I want to go on this Friday night. A night where scrolling the timeline is dangerous for my thoughts. I was better off bingeing a series till bedtime.

See SZA sings about the insecurities and questions I have often asked myself whenever I fall in love, have a crush or generally have someone I’m interested in. Am I warm enough? Am I too clingy? Am I in love, interested, or just lonely? All these harsh questions but without asking if the other person is worth it all. It’s amazing what I have put myself through for love. 

I get so lonely, I forget what I’m worth
We get so lonely, we pretend that this works
I’m so ashamed of myself think I need therapy-y-y-y
I’m sorry I’m not more attractive
I’m sorry I’m not more ladylike
I’m sorry I don’t shave my legs at night
I’m sorry I’m not your baby mama
I’m sorry you got karma comin’ to you
Collect and soak in it right

Second verse is my favourite 😊 I have nothing more to say, more like I lost my train of thought. Just listen to the album.