New place and new people. Always an exciting thing until things stop looking so straight forward. Then it becomes daunting. Everything is changing around you yet you want to stay the same. I tried that and it has not worked for me. I feel like I am a teenager in a new school where I know absolutely no one. I am starting from scratch, unlearning what I know and learning new things altogether. Nothing is harder than that but LIFE HAS GOT TO MOVE FORWARD! Whoever said growing up was easy lied and is still lying. It takes much more than just the body, the mind too is involved and its the stubbornest part of it all. Working, working, working! We will get there 😊
Looking back is being uncommitted to the present and the future. I have realised that I am too stuck up in my past and I am awfully scared about my uncertain future. Busy trying to find answers that will make me calm down but deep down I know I will not find them. I need to stop digging and come back to the surface. After all sometimes gold is found on the river banks. The problems that come with anxiety are really massive! No sleep, over analysing and finally depression! As a result, I am slowly turning into a crazy bitch! I have also realised that by being so fixed up in the past I am kinda destroying my present and future by trying to fix everything including that which isn’t broken. I need to calm down and take everything one day at a time. Stop over analysing things because no one is certain about tomorrow. Baby steps is what I need! Baby steps is all it takes. Slowly working towards my final happiness. I am slowly working on it, slow does it, right?
It does work in a weird way. Something burdens you and it feels heavy then after you say it or write it down you feel much lighter.
I am on the train now, off to a job interview and I am dancing and taking selfies as I laugh at myself. Good thing I am sitting alone. No one can believe I woke up with a real heavy heart. The few momentary lapses of “madness” that we have on our own are the ones we live for.
I am ready to enjoy summer. So much that I already have a list of things to do, places to see, etcetera 🙂
I deserve this and I am going to make it happen 🙂
For the past few days, I have been watching A Different World on Netflix (yeah, I got myself an account after my mum told me to get my own TV! I took it too personally? I know! I can be petty like that) and it reminded me of what friendship is and how grateful I should be that I have a number of people I call my friends. I watched the way Dwayne, Jolissa, Whitley, Denise and the rest worked their problems out together and I could really relate. Through all my anxiety and issues, my friends have listened to me, stood with me, and given me advice, all that was missing was the hugs, but oh well *singing* you can’t always get what you want. I think this is the most I have complained and cried in my life and the distance made it hard but they still understood and supported me and with them I have slowly picked myself and believed in myself again. I feel new, ready to take the reins of my life back, ready to take good care of myself, and ready to enjoy summer. The sun really is beautiful :)! I owe it all to my friends and to all of you I say a heartfelt thank you for being here when I needed you most. There’s nothing in this life better than friendship!
PS: Feeling down, pick up a good series or book that you’ve not watched or read before and lose yourself in it. There’s a lot you can learn from there, A LOT! 🙂
I totally relate to this. I have been there and I am just getting out. Happy to say everything does get better 😊
I was not always this way.
I did not always hide away from the general public for months or weeks at a time. Once I was quite confident. I occasionally felt happy. I had a full time job and I could face customers with no concern. I would chat to people over the phone, make an effort to see friends, be interested in daily life. I could cope with negativity. Overcome it, even. I wouldn’t let anything bring me down because I had something inside me that made me keep going out there, into the world, facing it all.
But sometimes, Friend, things happen. Sometimes just one thing. Sometimes many things. The courage to face these things is strong at first, at least stronger than now. But depending on luck, or coincidence, or fate, or opportunity, eventually the voice of that courage for some people is quieter. Weaker…
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Everything changes, we all change but one question always disturbs us, how others will take the change.
Recently, I have been thinking of how much I hate change. I love having things the same way and I work hard to keep them that way but what happens if they refuse to stay the same? Do you cling to them forcing things to remain the same, or do you let them change the way they wants to? I have had a hard time working this out but I have finally come to a conclusion. You let them change. Why? You ask. Because once you cling to something that wants to change, the force might destroy you. Things that are looking for change become forceful if you cling to them. It starts out as a kitten then it grows into a wolf. The more you force it the more vicious it gets until it overpowers you and runs away.
I am ready to let things change whether I like it or not.
I also don’t think this post makes much sense but anyone with a good brain will be able to get head and foot of it all I’m sure 🙂
As we continue through life, we all make plans and have goals we want to achieve. The goals are the ultimate end we want and the plans are what leads us to achieving the end. We sit down and think over these plans and goals and we deliberately lay them down is whichever way we understand best. We even go ahead and set down different plans for the same goal just in case one fails, you have plan B, C, D, heck you can have a plan for every letter of the alphabet. BUT, one thing most of us manage to overlook is the fact that the goal might change. I know many of us, myself included, do not like thinking of our goals changing because it means A LOT of things and unfortunately, most are not good things. But what if you wake up one day and something big changes your goal, destroys all your plans and throws you back to the drawing board? Its a daunting thought, right? It is a large mixture of disappointment, loss of focus, and is capable of creating all kinds of self destructing thoughts you never knew existed within you. It is a scary place to be in but like all things, it gets better with time because you learn:
1. To make different goals so that you have something to focus on if one falls down the drain. Even if they are all connected, it is easier to edit than to start from scratch.
2. That goals and plans are the same in nature. Yes the plans are more dynamic than goals but they are all subject to change and all the forces that lead to that change cannot all be foreseen.
3. You always have to leave room for flexibility and change. The more focused they are on you, the less flexible they can get. When 90% is influenced by you, it is very difficult for a small 10% to change the goal completely.
I could go on but I am also still learning and this is what I have learnt so far. Back to my drawing board 🙂
I was talking to someone lately and they seemed to imply that I should be happy enough because I have no bills to pay and a roof over my head. They also compared me to loads of young people in London who have to suffer with all that and they must be miserable. I wanted to tell them they were wrong, but them being my mother, there is no way you can start that conversation without striking a wrong nerve.
Well I don’t deny that being in a position where you can save up to 75% of the money you make is not ideal but as I am slowly learning, money is not everything. Happiness is and there is no better example for this than my brother. He has hustled his way through life for the past few years including times when he had no money for food. But as he constantly says, he was happy. All that did not matter much because with happiness comes a joy that blinds you to all your problems. You get the “it will sort itself out” mentallity and somehow everything starts falling into place. There are loads of young people living like that and I am willing to be one of them, happy and poor. Will encourage me to make that money, right?
All this talk got me thinking; I am about to hit quarter a century on earth and I am still living like a child. I need me some adult living in my life, atleast before things like marriage and children start coming into my script. Work everyday, pay my bills, buy my food and lastly, not be accountable to anyone but myself. Conversations like “wait till you get your own tv, you will watch it and no one will stop you” should not be in phone calls with one’s mother anymore. I need to have a place where I can go and have peace and not be filled with noise from children or have to shout at them to keep it down. A place where I can wind down and not have a care in the world. Being alone with your thoughts is all one needs sometimes. I don’t care how small the place is, all I need is a place I can call MINE!
Back to the point, its time I moved out and understand the struggle everyone talks about on my own. Life has to be lived for you to have a story to tell! So for now, its a saving deal, every penny I get my hands on is going to my “get your own place” scheme. Its has always been my dream and no one will stop me from living it 🙂 I am on a ROLL!
“You’re responsible for your happiness!” That is something we are only told when we are adults. Its something that is hard to learn most times but you have to drum it into your head to survive and co-exist with others.
I have been slowly learning this fact but it had not completely occured to me until recently. In the last 2 months, I have been emotionally distraught and I piled it all on someone else. As you can tell from this, they had enough of it and decided to cut the ties.
I then did what any normal person would do, wallow in self pity and let everything else go. That is not a good path to follow. I hated everything including nature. I never wanted to get out of bed and this annoyed the people I am living with who in turn took it to my mother, who as a result brought it back to me! Nasty chain of events, right? I cannot however explain to everyone how things have been in my head and it is not their job to sort any of it out! I cannot place the blame of what happened on anyone else because I am responsible for my happiness, my joy, and most of all my life and how it plays out. I have responsibilities to take care of and I let them go because I could not manage my emotions.
After that chain of events, I have woken up! Its time for me to get on my feet and do things myself. Time for me to find my happiness within. No one is going to find it for me and no one is going to help me stop being anxious about the future. It does not happen that way. When you let yourself go, even the closest person to you will let you go. They have themselves to worry about too.
Another lesson learnt the hard way. And thus my journey to finding my happiness continues. I will slowly get there. I will keep this lesson with me as long as I live. No one is responsible for your happiness 🙂
Once in a while you get to a crossroads of some sort in life and you have to make a decision; to stay on your path, or move to another one. The hardest crossroad is the one in love. Giving up on something you have invested your heart and soul in is never easy! I now know how divorcees feel! Right now, I am at my crossroad and I have absolutely no idea how I will get onto the next road. Maybe I should keep going or drop it but where other people are involved, the decision is never yours alone. You have got to tread carefully and remember that it will affect the other person. Love has never been an easy journey! But I have got to take this one. Maybe I should wait it out. Afterall its my road and I have all the time to make my decision. Patience is everything in matters like this!