Dictionary Useless?

Recently, I learnt that the dictionary is not the only way to clearly define words and their meanings. Feelings and experiences can be used too. Weird that it occured to me so late in life but I am sure most life discoveries are made in one’s 20s.
I wronged someone and when they pushed me away, my first reaction was anger. I was fired up about it, “how could they let me go when I needed them most?” I asked myself so many questions and this led to resentment of the person. Must be the worst feeling to resent someone dear to you, or so I thought until the resentment turned to remorse. I hated myself at that time for having caused the events that led to someone pushing me away. I still thought it was the worst.
Then BAM! Came the sorrow! The constant crying and pain. Questions of how I came down this road and tracing my steps back to the beginning of it all. You must be thinking that this is the height of it all but like I was, you are wrong too. There is the King of feelings that crowns it all when you realise what a horrid baby/ being you have been and that is SHAME!
Now you might think that shame and embarrassment are the same but it actually isn’t the case. Shame is the mother of embarrassment and its sisters (or is it an only child?) Anyway, shame is a DEEP feeling that only you know about. The gravity of which only you can understand. No one can say they are ashamed on your behalf. Though consoling, it is never true. Its only when I got to this stage that I understood that the rest had been preparing me for the King. Reality hit me and I understood what I had done and why I had been pushed away. All the feelings that came before were wiped because shame does that. I does not co-exist. Yes, it occupies that much space! All this time I looked up the word in the dictionary and I had never truly understood what it meant until I FELT it!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s