Remember those primary school days when we were taught the 3Rs and how they were the basic pillars of education? It stuck with me throughout my years and I finally understand why. It was a straight forward way of thinking. There was no hustle in applying that principle and I loved it! Fast forward to the future, 20…, I think I am ready for the complicated nature of things. Wrong! Reality hits me! I forgot the basics of life! I can’t even list them here, they are all jumbled up. I have to revisit them. I am going back to the basics. Maybe then, I will not rush to an end I do not understand.
Sitcom (noun): a situation comedy. Yeah, I just looked it up and now I seem smart, right? That’s not the point of this piece though. Just finished binge watching a whole 9 seasons of How I Met Your Mother and all I have in my mind is WOW! I have gone through more emotions and epiphanies than I thought I ever had. Whoever came up with the idea of sitcoms really struck gold! A good sitcom has the ability to make you relate with the characters and their experiences. The stories are not always dramatic or laced with life lessons but once in a while a lesson is revealed and depending on where you are in life, it can make you think about your choices and help you make some too. Yes, these are scripts but they show you how pathetic everyone can be once in their lives. Maybe, that is why the good ones really last long. You watch the characters grow through their situations and learn lessons you never knew existed. I have been feeling quite hopeless lately; wrong life choices and everything spiraling out of control but I have enjoyed watching HIMYM and all the craziness it comes with. A few lessons have stuck with me though and those are mostly the lessons about love:
1. Sometimes things have got to fall apart to make way for better things
2. The future is scary but you shouldn’t run back to the past because it is familiar and feels safe.
3. Just because something has to be said it doesn’t mean it has to be heard.
4. Love doesn’t make sense, you can’t logic yourself out of it. Love is the best thing we do and it doesn’t have to make sense to make sense.
5. When you don’t want to lose someone, you have got to take a step to keep that from happening.
6. One set of vows can never remain the same as you grow together. They always have to be updated over the years.
7. None of us can vow to be perfect but we can vow to be the best we can be at love because love is what we do best.
8. Thank God for long difficult roads because you never get where you are without them.
Maybe I will not apply all these lessons at once but I will one day. I have learnt some over my short years of understanding and I still have miles to go. Life is a learning curve, full of ups and downs, smiles and frowns, laughter and tears, roses and thorns. Its never a straight line and sometimes the curve really plumets but it always picks up. Nothing stays the same, I always thank the Lord for that 😊
Whenever the sun sets on a stage in my life, I am always distraught. See, I love planning out everything and the sunset means I will not see some of my plans to the end. One thing though that makes me better throughout the sadness is the prospect of a new beginning. That new beginning is the ray of light that I hang on. Even when it feels so far, I keep looking at it. I know even if it is 3am, the darkest hour, in my life right now, the sun will rise again at 6am. Those three hours between could take a year or two to elapse but they still do move.
I am writing this because once again I have failed to sleep, eventhough I was dosing as I watched a movie; Half of a Yellow Sun. I remember reading the book. I cannot say I relate to it but I can surely say I learn from it. Fighting does not solve everything and everyone does get out of the pits of their lives. It takes a lot of strength and resolve to move on. We are human though and we were created to always move on. Being stuck in one’s past is not healthy and looking too far into the future is just as bad. What you have to find is the middle ground (I hate the word balance) A little future to look forward to, live for, and a little past to learn from so you do not repeat the same mistakes. I got hurt in my past and discovered that I have a bigger problem than I thought existed. Moving forward has started with seeking help to solve the problem. Everything else will fall into place when the time comes. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my beginning.
Sometimes, like now, I find it hard to explain myself, my feelings and how I see things. Sometimes words cannot fully express where your mind is and what is going on. Sometimes you look happy without a care in the world but your heart is pretty heavy and no one can believe you if you say you aren’t. Everything is going your way, you should be happy, you are more fortunate than many others but you don’t feel happy about it.
Few people understand the depths of depression, few get how far down the drain it can take you and how deep the sewers are. I am in hell right now, been there for months! Not just 2 months, its been almost a year now in the sewers. I have been brushing it off constantly because I had absolutely no reason to think about it. Don’t get me wrong, my life has been perfect but maybe that is why I decided to force it to go wrong. I have done and said things to help me justify the pit I am in but nothing has helped. Maybe I should have kept on pretending! But how far can one carry a fake face without cracking?
I dug a hole for myself. Tis a big one. I dug deep and now I am stuck inside it. There is no one in here with me. See I had companions I thought would continue all the way with me but they left after we dug a few feet together. My journey to the center was too deep for them to follow, they had their own to worry about. I said, “alright, maybe you will fall in with me when I get to the bottom.” That did not happen. I tried to crawl back to the surface to be with my companions. I failed to make it in time. They walked away.
Here I am, alone, stuck in my hole. This hole is mine, no one else’s. I dug it and I will get out of it whenever I please. I promise to take my time because time is what I need. I am not in a hurry. See I once tried to hurry and catch up with my companions but all that got me was bruised elbows and knees. I am now stuck in bandages and in pain because I rushed to catch up. I am never doing that again. Time will work with me. I am on a slow crawl back to the surface and I will be happy with both my hole and the victory of getting to the surface.