Relax child, relax! Something I tell myself every morning before I jump out of bed. Even before I say that silent prayer thanking God for giving me life. It might seem awkward to you but to me it is everything. “Why?” you ask, because I know what life without relaxing is. It’s having your heart race at the slightest things and feeling like something is constantly chasing you. It’s having your mind tell you all kind of things you should say and do but also playing out the worst case scenarios in 3D. Actually, it’s like having the biggest group of people hurling insults at you, telling you how inadequate you are and how you will never amount to anything sensible. Of course it’s all in your head. Any one you confide in will tell you to be strong and snap out of it but no one knows how hard it is. At that time, no one is in your shoes to empathise with you. So you do what you think is best, you wear that uniform that has kept you going all your life, the “I’m a nice person” smile, “I don’t give a shit” attitude, and the “happy go lucky” hair-do. It doesn’t get better than this, you believe, but your mind has other plans for you. The more you ignore its needs, the bigger it grows, until it overpowers you. Just like that little puppy you refused to train but now it’s too late to change it because it’s bigger than Marmaduke. It is no longer adorable (It is madness I tell you 😂) You keep going day after day, holding everything like a bra that’s too small until one day it BURSTS! Yeah, it spills over like a shaken soda, spilling everywhere and messing everything up; work, family, friends, health and worst of all your neatly intact emotions. At first you don’t know what’s happening, you shake it off as a bad day but the bad day becomes a week which carries on into a month. The month ends and another begins, no change. It suddenly dawns on you that you’ve crashed into a wall and you’re going nowhere. You start asking yourself what you should do and one thing resonates in your tired little mind, a whisper saying, “relax child, relax!”
It’s been long, it’s still going on. The solo journey was one I embarked on for my well being. Few will understand it but it’s a very comfortable state for me to be in. You never have to care about others opinions on what you’re doing and how you’re going about it. You don’t have to worry about the time you’ll take waiting for someone. You’ll never have to worry about your companion’s preferences. And most of all, you are free to change your mind as many times as you wish because you can. No one will complain about you being so indecisive. I could go on but I ain’t got time for that.
Although great, the realisation of all these advantages does not come straight away. Before I figured out that I could love my time alone, I was always in tears over my loneliness. I would see happy people and couples and I wished for what they had. I stayed in curled up in my bed because I couldn’t handle going places without friends. Eating alone was hard and I would pretend to be busy on my phone to avoid looking out of place or like I had been stood up. My heart broke every time I called up a friend to hang out and they said they were busy. Then one day, I don’t remember when, I realised I was done! Done waiting for LIFE to find me. It was time for me to start living. I had missed out on a lot waiting for people to join me. Especially when I was always the one calling them up. Clearly I didn’t mean as much to them as I thought or whatever it was.
So I’ve started crossing things off my bucket list by myself. Of course I miss having some one to laugh with or tap when I see interesting stuff, someone to help me take pictures (selfies are exhausting) and people to go dancing with, but I’m not torn up about it anymore. I’ve learned to improvise and have a good time alone. It’s not so bad after all. Movies, food and concerts are good when you are on your own too. I’m yet to book a holiday by myself. That might be a hard one, but I will get to it. Baby steps is everything!