She woke up with a start! “What was wrong this time?” Looking up at her ceiling, she thought of the dream she’d just had. The vivid ones were always a sign. One that things were changing. Would this be a welcome change? Things had been going so well. It was about the time for the downward spiral. “Good things don’t really last, do they?” The negative thoughts had to end, but darkness never really leaves you alone. For some reason, it stays in the shadows lurking and waiting for you to show your Achilles heel. She closed her eyes. It was time to get some more rest, Mr. Johnson wasn’t going to understand the bloodshot eyes and yawns this time. A month with the same look wasn’t good for her either. Those bags were about to start getting check-in requests at the airport. How was she going to get herself a husband looking that bad? Her mum was sure she wouldn’t live long enough to see some grandchildren. Also, it had been long since she’d been on a date, 3 years to be exact. It didn’t bother her much but every month was a little reminder that her time was running out. She had to jump out of the comfort zone. “Stop worrying and sleep!” She needed a new voice for her mind. Hers had never been successful in talking her mind down from the cliff…
I’m watching the BBC documentary and I am intrigued, by the years of black history eroded and how things still have to change. I’ve been in the UK for only 2 years but I can feel and see the difference with which we are treated, it is definitely not as crazy as it was let’s say 20yrs ago but it is still visible. I’ve seen myself become the stereotype “aggressive woman” all because I have had to stand up for myself and not take sh*t from anyone. I have become more self aware than I have ever been before.
I’m currently reading David Olusoga’s book, Black and British: A forgotten history too and I have to take breaks, not to internalise the story, but to calm down from the anger and tears that overcome me (and of course I don’t want to damage my book with tears.) I am not telling my story now, it’s still too short, I’m listening to those who were here before me. People who were told by their teachers not to dream too big because they were black. Told to work twice as hard because they would always have to compete twice as hard. Called out all the time because they dared to break the “norm” but they still made it. These people inspire me to keep going strong against the tide. Black and Proud!
To be continued one day…
I woke up at 3am. I had managed to run from insomnia, my abductor for the past few months, for an hour. A little sleep is all I needed to clear my mind. The decision had been made. I was done with you. I had been for weeks but I was still hung up. I wanted to work out my feelings before I let you go. I did not want to regret my decision. Selfishness is a trait we shared. That was a few months ago.
I started another life and found myself someone better. We were inseparable until I met you that day on the street. In the large crowd with all those people, I’m not sure how, but you saw me. I introduced him to you. I saw the flash in your eyes, the little green eyed monster you hid so well had seeped through. I cursed having the ability to read you perfectly. It bothered me but it’s not a skill one loses at will.
I got a text from an unknown number that night but I was sure. I was sure it was from you. “I miss that smile 😊” it started… A cold chill ran down my spine. We’d been through this cycle over and over again. Every time I left you you realised you missed me, loved me, cherished me, and wished I was back in your arms. You stopped at nothing to get me back. And unfortunately, each time I believed you. Why? I had no idea. Maybe it was because you actually acted like the person I idealised having a forever with. Or it was the fact that we knew each other so well and it scared me to be vulnerable with another. Knowing the damage vulnerability came with, I wasn’t ready for it again. On the other hand though, you never let me have a chance to try. It’s like you knew when to strike. Maybe the Devil guided you, I’m just speculating, but I believe he did. God would never let me stay in this cycle.
I cried myself to sleep that night. He asked me what was wrong but I couldn’t come clean. I just couldn’t let myself go like that again.
Why? I asked myself. Why does the little green eyed monster make you realise your feelings for me? Was it really love? Or was it the fact that you couldn’t bear seeing me with someone else? I knew I deserved better but why was I weak whenever you appeared? Was I just stupid or were you my kryptonite? I had logic but why did I not use it with you? I mean, love shouldn’t be run on jealousy and unhappiness or does it? “Alright, there I go messing it up again!”
A week later I asked him if we could move. Probably to another country. We had been saving for a trip around the world. It wouldn’t hurt to make it one destination that we both liked. I wanted to start my life with him allover again, away from you and the Demons that haunted me. I had decided to tell him everything. I was breaking the cycle. He was gobsmacked!
“But you seem so in control!”
“It’s taken me years to make staying in control a habit”
He agreed to the move. I was elated. He promised to help me work through my emotional constipation. I told him I loved him. He said it wasn’t time yet. I had a while to go before I could love him. It’s then that it dawned on me. I had been lying to myself all along. I wasn’t ready to love anyone, neither him nor you. I couldn’t handle the pain I was introducing him to. I had to do something to stop it. I run away that night.
Well it’s finally here. The golden baby we’ve all been waiting for, the little innocent sister of “the HORROR” 2016 has been. Frankly, I have few complaints about the past year if there are any. I was up for the changes that happened. Not that I am gloating or anything but let’s face it, sometimes things are better shaken up. It’s happened to me and I moved on. The world should too…
2017… you’re here babe, and I have no resolutions set out for you. I gave up on those when I was 21. I always seem to break them before my birthday, and it’s just a week after New Year’s Day!!! My deal now is just to be a better person than I was the year before. It’s a tired quote, I know, but hear me out. I have managed to do it and I continue to. I set myself small milestones like cleaning out my contacts list, changing my perspective, actually talking to people and not zoning out, being honest (that’s the biggest for me) and being patient. Over the years I have worked on my rage, forgiving people, (still working on the forget but I’ll get there) and I am proud of the strides I have made. All these are internal struggles and that’s what makes them valuable.
This year, I have a vision board. I’ve been told they are a fantastic way to see where you are heading and I want to see that for myself. I’m going to try much harder at everything I have set myself to do. The best way to do it is by setting yourself small distances to cover. KAIZEN: It’s a word I learned and decided to take on. Meaning “change for better,” it requires you to take it one step at a time, a second, a minute, an hour, and on to bigger things. My board is taking it in months. Will I break it down weekly or hourly, I don’t know yet, but it’s coming to me. Taking my time on this journey has become of the utmost importance to me. I am not in a rush, I am stopping to smell these flowers and let the thorns prick me too. They have pricked me alright, and I am still nursing some of the wounds but oh well! I’m not going to stop.
I’m rambling, time for me to get some sleep. I need to start on my year and I’m sure everyone is too *raises glass* To a better year than the last one.