The little green eyed monster

I woke up at 3am. I had managed to run from insomnia, my abductor for the past few months, for an hour. A little sleep is all I needed to clear my mind. The decision had been made. I was done with you. I had been for weeks but I was still hung up. I wanted to work out my feelings before I let you go. I did not want to regret my decision. Selfishness is a trait we shared. That was a few months ago.

I started another life and found myself someone better. We were inseparable until I met you that day on the street. In the large crowd with all those people, I’m not sure how, but you saw me. I introduced him to you. I saw the flash in your eyes, the little green eyed monster you hid so well had seeped through. I cursed having the ability to read you perfectly. It bothered me but it’s not a skill one loses at will.

I got a text from an unknown number that night but I was sure. I was sure it was from you. “I miss that smile 😊”  it started… A cold chill ran down my spine. We’d been through this cycle over and over again. Every time I left you you realised you missed me, loved me, cherished me, and wished I was back in your arms. You stopped at nothing to get me back. And unfortunately, each time I believed you. Why? I had no idea. Maybe it was because you actually acted like the person I idealised having a forever with. Or it was the fact that we knew each other so well and it scared me to be vulnerable with another. Knowing the damage vulnerability came with, I wasn’t ready for it again. On the other hand though, you never let me have a chance to try. It’s like you knew when to strike. Maybe the Devil guided you, I’m just speculating, but I believe he did. God would never let me stay in this cycle.

I cried myself to sleep that night. He asked me what was wrong but I couldn’t come clean. I just couldn’t let myself go like that again. 

Why? I asked myself. Why does the little green eyed monster make you realise your feelings for me? Was it really love? Or was it the fact that you couldn’t bear seeing me with someone else? I knew I deserved better but why was I weak whenever you appeared? Was I just stupid or were you my kryptonite? I had logic but why did I not use it with you? I mean, love shouldn’t be run on jealousy and unhappiness or does it? “Alright, there I go messing it up again!”

A week later I asked him if we could move. Probably to another country. We had been saving for a trip around the world. It wouldn’t hurt to make it one destination that we both liked. I wanted to start my life with him allover again, away from you and the Demons that haunted me. I had decided to tell him everything. I was breaking the cycle. He was gobsmacked! 

“But you seem so in control!” 

“It’s taken me years to make staying in control a habit”

He agreed to the move. I was elated. He promised to help me work through my emotional constipation. I told him I loved him. He said it wasn’t time yet. I had a while to go before I could love him. It’s then that it dawned on me. I had been lying to myself all along. I wasn’t ready to love anyone, neither him nor you. I couldn’t handle the pain I was introducing him to. I had to do something to stop it. I run away that night.

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