Day 8: Love

Ever imagined what your perfect love would be like? Coming straight out of a story book? From the day you meet. The conversations you have. The adventures you go on together. The music you listen to and the hobbies you start to enjoy in eachother’s company. Sounds amazing when you daydream. It can never go wrong. Even your first fight ends perfectly…

But what happens when the way it comes to you isn’t how you imagined it. In my case it is definitely his hands running through my hair, the kinks won’t allow it. Hell, I wouldn’t either! I’m one of those “Don’t touch my hair unless you’re helping me make it perfect” types. What do you do though if your story starts in a you being just friends and he’s in love with your best friend kind of situation? Your heart doesn’t let go of the what if he was yours until he becomes yours. What happens if you start out as a one night stand and you eventually fall in love? What if you are just linking first then you start seeing things differently whenever you spend time together or you talk? Not every story goes the perfect way we wish it would but sometimes it ends perfectly. We all hope it does because no one wants a failed love story. It’s a fear we all have to deal with…

But you don’t have to worry yourself. There’s a perfect story out there for everyone. Diamonds are found in mud afterall. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We sat on a bench in the park. It was an evening in the spring. We watched the sun slowly set, it’s orange glow clashing with the darker blue that was slowly setting in. It looked like an outfit to be honest, one a stylish girl would wear in the summer.

We had been silent for a while now. Letting our thoughts speak. He turned and looked at me. He smiled. I wasn’t looking directly at him but I could still see it. It was gentle, made me calm. It was home.

He was my home.

He lifted his hand to my head. I knew what he wanted to do. He’d done it every time since we met. Only this time it would be hard for him. I’d taken down my braids the day before. I was sporting my kinks in an afro. I didn’t stop him but he knew it would be messy. He laughed at himself and let his hand fall to my shoulder.

I loved that he was thoughtful. That he didn’t force something to happen because he wanted it to. I loved that he respected me and my hair. I loved that he understood.

Our story wasn’t perfect but it worked ❀️

Day 7: Hurry!

For what though? What is this that I am supposed to hurry for? What is so big that I cannot take my time to get to it? WHAT?!

I’m living in a fast paced world. Everything is done fast. Everyone seems to be in some sort of hurry. Even when they’re going to chill. It makes little sense to me. So little! I’m overwhelmed to be honest.

So I’ve decided to slow down. It’s been a while since I did. I need it! You probably do too. I have slowed down almost to a halt. Taking each day as it comes. Living it to the fullest. Even when it’s just a couch day. All that matters is being in the moment. Disconnecting from the world and living in that time. The peace is unrivalled.

Ever had a conversation with someone where you just listen? You keep quiet, let them talk, and say what’s on their chest? You don’t have to reply, you’re just there to listen. You have? Now have you ever paid attention to the feeling you get after they’ve talked? If you care about this person enough, it’s always a sense of fulfillment. The fact that you’ve been there for them when they wanted to talk. I love it. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I close my eyes and get lost in my own world. 

The sun rays gently caressing my skin. 

They make me smile. 

I think about different things, my life, where I am from, where I’m going. The things that keep me grateful and thankful for the life I have. 

I may not be where I want to be but I’m working on things slowly. Taking my time whenever I can.

Some are in my mind, some on paper. Some have even materialised into the physical realm. 

I cannot complain, I cannot be bitter. I can only be thankful for the journey I’m on.

Does this make sense?

It does to me, and that’s all that matters in this day and time. πŸ™ŒπŸΎ

Day 6: Nothing

I have nothing to say today. Nothing much I’ve thought of. Only the fact that my brother is moving on Saturday. Far from me, closer to the rest of the family. I’m trying to come to terms with it. Seeing his bags and boxes all packed. Will I cry when I see him off? I hope not. Guess I will just wait for the day to come. My little escape has been taken away from me. I’ll be okay, I’m a big girl. Big girls don’t cry 😭😭

Day 5: 1st Time Experiences

They’re beautiful, aren’t they?

Your mind lights up when something new happens. It’s exciting, sometimes scary, your mind goes up in flames with anxiety looking for ways to deal with it. I remember all my first (important) experiences. Some because they just can’t be forgotten, others because they happened on occasions I will always remember. Here’s a few I know many of us keep etched in our minds.

The first time I was bullied

I was 6, on a swing, some girls came to me and wanted me off. They didn’t ask nicely (I was a strong headed child) I refused to get off, they pushed me off. I fell and my face got bruised. Why I remember it, my dad took a picture of me smiling through my pain.

My first crush

We were 9, I used to play with him at school. He had the coolest shoes in class. I liked him instantly. At my little age, I knew we gelled. I changed schools a few months later and it broke my heart. It really did.

My first period

This week’s episode of The Receipts Podcast made me remember this day. I was 13. It was during my granddad’s vigil. Luckily we were at home and my mum saw the stain first. She called me to her bedroom and helped me out. I wasn’t scared, I was in an all girl’s school then. All I was thankful for was the fact that I had no pain.

The first time I got drunk

I was 15 years old! Drinking with my friends. I drank a Smirnoff Ice for the first time. It was lovely, tasted like lemonade with a hint of bitterness. The smell wasn’t pungent so it won me over. It took me 2 to get there. I went home late, my parents made noise about missing my curfew but I didn’t care. I had enjoyed my evening πŸ’πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ

My first kiss

If you’ve noticed by now, all this is in chronological order. So yes, my first kiss came late. I was 16. I was at a rugby club. It was with a guy I don’t even remember. We only talked for 3days after that. It wasn’t special, I just wanted to do it and get over with it. What? We all do it. You don’t? Alright, I’m just going to go and sit in the corner.

My first love

This one’s deep πŸ™„ Jokes! It was puppy love and I enjoyed it while it lasted.

My first time

You know which one I’m talking about. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Not getting into it, my mum reads this sometimes. Let me just say it’s a choice I made, again like my first kiss, to get out of the way. He was my friend as we had a “let’s do it” moment. It wasn’t special, it wasn’t bad, I don’t even remember the date. All I know is I was 19.

Those are just a few I can get into. The ones that will not put me back into holes I have climbed out of πŸ‘€

Day 4: Not A Child Anymore

No one will take care of you if you don’t do it yourself.

I know that, you should know it too. It’s a fact! After being taken care of by my parents for a whole 23 years of my life, it’s a fact I learnt the hard way. Going to the doctor alone and having to tell whatever is wrong with me without my mum by my side or having her call in first was one of the hardest. Yes, she was there for my trips to the doctor till I was 23, don’t laugh, I hate hospitals and clinics. But I’ve learnt, and I’m good at it now. 

Yesterday I had to call HMRC because I was being taxed too much. After the call, it hit me. No one cares about you if you don’t speak up. I’m sure if I hadn’t called I would have continued through the year without a clue. No wonder the extroverts of the world always get what they want. They know the key. Always say something, speak your peace and you will get ahead. I’m just learning to do that. It’s a process. Caring about “what they will think of me” has become the least of my worries. I call to ask, complain, make noise if I have to since some people pretend not to get your point even when you’re speaking the same language. Move wrong to me, I shout you out. The pinnacle for me though, will be when I send back a shitty meal or coffee in a restaurant (GOALS πŸ™ŒπŸΎ) We still say that?

Anyway, I see the world differently now. I know why activists exist. I know why they call out everything they don’t agree with. I know they don’t have to (insert eye roll GiF) but we all know that you let something slip once, the perpetrator will take advantage of the situation (side eye the Tories). You can’t let anyone stomp on you and your space. You have to draw the line, let them know that “thou shalt not cross.” 

You’re not a child anymore!” my mother said to me 2 years ago. I’m grown now, I think

Take Care πŸ€—

Day 3: Self Care

Do you TAKE CARE of yourself? 

Do you TELL yourself how amazing you are everyday?

Do you WALK AWAY from negativity when it comes your way?

Do you LISTEN to what is happening within you?

Do you FEED your mind and soul everyday?

I do. You should too.

It’s coming to 2 years since I learnt how important self care is. Before that I was in my world full of pretence and people pleasing. I thought I was being nice, I didn’t want to be seen as the “salty girl” everytime. It tapped me out but I only realised it later when I could count the number of friends I had on one hand but I actually talked to everyone. The times I felt alone increased and my emotions seemed ready to burst out every time. I argued whenever someone “came at me” with a different idea (my mum saw the most of this.) I was convinced it was a phase. The phase stayed, year in year out. I just learned to cope with it and It’s only when I changed my surroundings that I realised I wasn’t taking care of myself. That my self esteem was in shambles. I was full of negative energy with no way to let go of it. 

Taking care of yourself, your mind, body and soul includes a lot of things. Not just eating right and doing exercise. That helps but there’s more to it. You read things that build you. I’m always looking for new things to learn. I love being a know-it-all though 😊

Interact healthily (that also means keeping yourself out of dumb arguments on social media) I almost got into one today with someone who doubted the existence of my tribe and mother tongue πŸ™„ (ignorance is bad people!) I have actually made it a point to stay away from the news too. It makes me anxious and infuriates me more each time I watch it. I don’t need that in my life.

Listen, not to only what is being said, but to actions, music and to yourself too. A lot more is said without words and it’s how I have managed to stay sane. Even silence speaks volumes. Maybe it’s why they say it’s deafening.

I have learnt that everything that happens around me isn’t about me. It’s how I have managed to take things less personal. If someone doesn’t answer my calls, I think it’s their problem not mine. I did the calling, what you do after is up to you. It’s a less stressful way to live life. I get to worry about the more important things.

Believing you’ve got the sauce. This began with self affirmation. Each day I faced at my lowest started with kind words to myself. Even when I couldn’t leave my bed I said them, wrote them down. I focused on what I had and managed to reduce the hatred I had raised for me in me. It’s been a while since then but I can comfortably say I love me as a whole, flaws and all.

Self care comes from within you. No one but yourself can give you the care and love you need. So don’t neglect yourself, it’s not an easy road to take.

To self love πŸ₯‚β€οΈπŸ˜Š

Day 2: Greatness!

On my way to church this morning, I was telling my aunt how I am done trying to show others that I am awesome and waiting for them to notice me. That I am just going to work on myself and let my awesomeness glow at the greatest levels. Little did I know that the sermon today was going to be about greatness and standing tall with it because that’s what God said He would give us through Abraham.

Genesis 12:2

I will make you into a great nation. I will bless you and make you famous, and you will be a blessing to others.”

That quote cut me deep. To think that when Jesus died on the cross for my sins, I got that greatness. It’s within but I have doubted myself for so long, suffocating it. Well today, I said, “NOT TODAY SATAN, NOT TODAY!” And I promised myself that I will NOT forget my greatness, the one that I have in Jesus Christ, the one that I inherited as a Child of God, the one I feel whenever I accomplish something. That greatness is within me and it is up to me to let it shine bright. To nurture it to its peak and see how far I can carry it. It’s not a burden, it’s a gift, and like all gifts, it’s meant to be used and enjoyed.

That sermon, that sermon came to me at the right time. It’s the best way for me to start the week. Have a good one, I know I will πŸ™πŸΎπŸ˜Š