Looking for Peace

I find peace when my eyes are closed. Sometimes I’m sleeping, sometimes I’m just paying attention to what’s around me especially without my glasses (light sensitivity and focusing is a problem) Recently though, I’ve been constantly closing them a lot, almost every chance I get to be exact. I’m working on a sleep and energy deficit. I need the sun and I am in a vitamin supplement hiatus while I research the one that will work for me best. Without sugar coating the situation, I’m exhausted and constantly irritable. So much that I’ve been filtering all my interactions with the world and what my mind consumes. Changes are happening in my life (don’t get me wrong, I’m glad) but I cannot be bothered by much to be honest. I’ve known where I am but it took me a conversation last week to realise this fully. I hardly remember what we were talking about but I remember myself zoning out and replying with short intervals of “hmm” the same way my mum ‘showed’ us she was listening after a long day at work.

…and now I’m out again. Just looking for my peace… I need the sun though!

Eyes closed for a reason

Day 39: Listen

/ˈlΙͺs(Ι™)n/ : To give one’s attention to a sound. I’m sure you know the definition. But lately, I realised that few of us do anymore. We are good at pretending we are. Like my dad says, we hear through one ear and what’s been said flies out through the other. There’s a short back story to my inspiration for this post.

After a year of using them, my earphones died on Sunday. I was in TK Maxx, doing some shopping (you know it’s therapy), listening to one of my favourite podcasts 3ShotsofTequila and … a sudden silence from my left earphone. Although irritated, I didn’t complain. I couldn’t! Because for earphones that cost me less than Β£13, I had gotten more than full use out of them. The value for money probably ended at 6 months so I’m grateful. Since I was in TK Maxx, I decided to get a cheap option to keep me going till I replace my old faithfuls. When I am listening to more podcasts than music, the sound output is the least of my worries. They’ve been okay so far but I can tell the difference. For Β£5, I cannot expect better. All I need is some barrier between me and the world as I am out there and I am getting some of it. Their shittiness only struck me a few hours ago when I decided to wind my day with some Hans Zimmer (for those that do not know who he is, listen to movie scores, he’s one of the most celebrated composers.) There’s nothing worse sounding though than Classical music coming through lousy earphones. Yes, it’s worse than blending forks.

So yeah, it hit me when I was listening to another favourite, actually it’s number one on my list now, DMD Podcast. Like a tonne of bricks, that so much information is out there for us but we barely use it to our advantage. Maybe we do not want to exert ourselves, we are too comfortable, I don’t know. All I know is there is a lot of ignorance floating around. I don’t know everything! Don’t quote me even, but I have had many a conversation with people that are holding their phones in their hands all the time, have access to the internet, and they still cannot use google to enlighten themselves. Like Skribz said, (I’m paraphrasing here), few want to be students. The fact that the words “I don’t know, can you enlighten me” or “show me where I can find that information” don’t really exist in our heads anymore is disturbing. This is where politicians win. They know the wider public, the one that can force them into change, is okay with being spoon fed information. Whether it is wrong or right, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is has the agenda been pushed?

My dad always made sure we discussed politics and history when I was younger. Whenever I asked him for help with my homework, I got more than I asked for. I was a child then, I found it long of course! Now though, I see and appreciate what he was doing. I remember we had news books (part of the homework) in which we wrote a summary of what struck us most as we read the newspapers. While most of my classmates got away with copy and paste,my old man wanted me to write everything in my own words. He always took the time to explain to me what I did not understand. As time went on, I started discussing with him over coffee or tea. I vividly remember my first cup of coffee. I was 11 (loved the experience but that’s a story for another day.) These discussions are definitely part of what led me to Law school. I was determined to work with the UN or the ICC, be a Judge or something. Till I realised the fuckery that goes on in all these institutions. The laws are made but politics gets in and messes it all up. It does more damage than when you pour juice into a laptop. It’s happened to me before, I had a coursework deadline to beat, it wasn’t pretty!

See when the law is made, everyone is expected to follow it. It should work that way. At least in an ideal world. What is ignored, and I’m sure it’s on purpose, is the fact that one CANNOT follow a law they DO NOT KNOW! It’s no surprise either that a phrase like “Ignorance of the law excuses no one” exists. And it is said proudly by the way. Those that know the law, usually the same that make it, do not give a shit if you don’t know. Politicians and other people in power banking on the ignorance of the masses is something I noticed when I was in Uganda. I was 12. We were studying Civics at the time. Talking about Human Rights and Duties. I remember my dad bringing the up the duty of the State to the Citizen. All they taught us at the time was the duty of the Citizen to the State (of course!) You have to know that when you reach a certain age, you’ll pay the Gov’t a part of your wages whether you like it or not. It’s a given. The government doesn’t want you to really know the other side. It’s cheeky that way. So when my dad brought up the other side, I knew I could not forget it. Something that isn’t as emphasised but is important usually stays in your head.

Ignorance is not bliss. It just reduces your outrage and makes you complacent and easily accepting of anything as long as it is packaged well. Best example of how this works out, is in the rural areas of Uganda (what am I saying, in the urban areas too.) These people are living in absolute poverty. They lack things like medical care, they have some of the highest infant mortality rates, but because they do not see themselves as tax payers, they have no outrage over how fucked the government is. All the President (been the same for 31 years now) and his counterparts have to do, is give them handouts. A little money, about Β£1 equivalent and a t-shirt, a kilo of sugar, and they’re voted again. All the broken promises of the past 5 years are forgotten. It instantly becomes a case of the man cares about us. Another vicious 5 years begins and the cycle continues. If you told these people that for every little sugar, oil, soap, paraffin for the lamps, that they buy, some goes to the government, maybe they would care about the poor services that are available to them.

Fucked up thing is, it is the same damn thing everywhere else in the world. The first world too (no one should lie to you that it’s different.) All that makes it seem better is the fact that the first world has had a longer time juggling this democracy thing so the lies are just more refined. They use numbers and statistics, the media pushes it down your throat for them. This is why we need to listen and eliminate the ignorance. We are given 10% of the information directly or less. We have to get the other 90% ourselves. It might seem hard but take a few minutes off snapping and google something useful. Get into an argument with someone who has different views from yours, don’t make it a nuclear war though, you’re just people, not countries. It works. It is how I made up my mind in the 2015 election and the Brexit one too. I had only been here a few months for the first and a year for the second. I definitely had little to no information on what to vote for. Enlightening myself worked. For the former I wasn’t even sure I cared, I actually didn’t but I know numbers matter. One is too little but if we all put in what we could (walking to the polling station and ticking that candidate) we would see the change, rock the boat with time maybe even have a whole revolution. I’m tired of talking to people who are all about the it won’t make a difference story line.

You DON’T know! You NEVER know! It is all about doing your part for your future.

I’ve talked too much today. 2 hours into my bedtime, but I had to say whatever I have said. Could have said more but I will not tell my manager I was late because I stayed up writing. Till the next entry.

Day 13: Request to Cancel

Thought maybe I should skip this one. A number of reasons made me want to cancel today and the week too maybe;

  1. Electronic money giant PayPal fucked me up! See I love using it and anyone that does as much online shopping as I do will tell you how efficient it is. All the steps where you type in your details are cut to one, log into your account and click pay. Only downside is, when it comes to paying money into your account, it takes a whole damn week to appear! The fuck?! I know! So I did loads of online shopping last week and thought maybe I should send the money to my PayPal so that it doesn’t dip into my bank account. WRONG MOVE! PayPal has taken a week to process the money. It’s off my account, it’s on PayPal, but it’s pending! Yes, you heard right, for a whole week at that πŸ™„ I was trying to be efficient and it was thrown back in my face. I’ve had to put several of my plans on hold, it displeases me.
  2. The cold! Why the hell is it back?! In May of all months. I should be seeing the sun and feeling it on my skin all day. Not extra hot, but warm enough for me to put my winter coats and scarves away. Now instead of taking them to storage, they’re back in rotation. My body wasn’t ready for this. Sun my love, come soon, I need you 😘
  3. Β I have been blueticked so much this week. I know! I can’t believe it either! I’m a delight, I reply messages as fast as I can and I always have something fun to share. I heard WhatsApp was down though, that’s comforting. Was starting to believe less in my sauce. My mum was one of the culprits but I’m Christian, I forgive.
  4. I’m failing to come to terms with the fact that my first cushion has moved back home 😭 My brother left on Saturday morning and I feel the void. I can’t just call on someone to rescue me without a long explanation. I’m putting more effort into making new friends though and it’s working.
  5. Low-key fighting a cold but it won’t win. That is explained by the weather change.

Glad Friday has shown it’s face. The weekend is full of things for me to do, I’ll be alright I guess. We should still cancel the week apart from Stormzy’s concert of course. It was on πŸ’―πŸ‘ŒπŸΎ

Day 5: 1st Time Experiences

They’re beautiful, aren’t they?

Your mind lights up when something new happens. It’s exciting, sometimes scary, your mind goes up in flames with anxiety looking for ways to deal with it. I remember all my first (important) experiences. Some because they just can’t be forgotten, others because they happened on occasions I will always remember. Here’s a few I know many of us keep etched in our minds.

The first time I was bullied

I was 6, on a swing, some girls came to me and wanted me off. They didn’t ask nicely (I was a strong headed child) I refused to get off, they pushed me off. I fell and my face got bruised. Why I remember it, my dad took a picture of me smiling through my pain.

My first crush

We were 9, I used to play with him at school. He had the coolest shoes in class. I liked him instantly. At my little age, I knew we gelled. I changed schools a few months later and it broke my heart. It really did.

My first period

This week’s episode of The Receipts Podcast made me remember this day. I was 13. It was during my granddad’s vigil. Luckily we were at home and my mum saw the stain first. She called me to her bedroom and helped me out. I wasn’t scared, I was in an all girl’s school then. All I was thankful for was the fact that I had no pain.

The first time I got drunk

I was 15 years old! Drinking with my friends. I drank a Smirnoff Ice for the first time. It was lovely, tasted like lemonade with a hint of bitterness. The smell wasn’t pungent so it won me over. It took me 2 to get there. I went home late, my parents made noise about missing my curfew but I didn’t care. I had enjoyed my evening πŸ’πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ

My first kiss

If you’ve noticed by now, all this is in chronological order. So yes, my first kiss came late. I was 16. I was at a rugby club. It was with a guy I don’t even remember. We only talked for 3days after that. It wasn’t special, I just wanted to do it and get over with it. What? We all do it. You don’t? Alright, I’m just going to go and sit in the corner.

My first love

This one’s deep πŸ™„ Jokes! It was puppy love and I enjoyed it while it lasted.

My first time

You know which one I’m talking about. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Not getting into it, my mum reads this sometimes. Let me just say it’s a choice I made, again like my first kiss, to get out of the way. He was my friend as we had a “let’s do it” moment. It wasn’t special, it wasn’t bad, I don’t even remember the date. All I know is I was 19.

Those are just a few I can get into. The ones that will not put me back into holes I have climbed out of πŸ‘€

66 Days of Journaling

It takes 66 days to completely break a habit. Yes, 66! I discovered that just a few days ago and I’ve decided to try it out. What habit am I breaking? My life! I know, I see the questions coming at me. Let me explain…

Yesterday, I cried.

No, I wasn’t hurt by anyone, I didn’t knock my small right toe against a table leg and neither was I pinched. I cried because I’m tired. Tired of throwing Β a my CV out in the Β a job searching pool. Tired of calling companies to ask if they need new staff. Tired of rejection emails. And finally tired of feeling like shit every time I look through my inbox and I find nothing but tumbleweed in it. 5 months of the same crap has made me regret leaving my last job. A job I walked out of because I was unhappy. When you regret a great decision you made for yourself, you know it’s time to shake yourself up.

So yeah, I cried, for a good hour. Felt worse after but the tears cleared up one thing for me, I am stuck in a rut. My life has become a habit and if I am to move forward, I have to break it. The 66 days makes more sense now, doesn’t it?

The journey begins with getting out of my comfort zone;

  • Waking up early whether I’m going to work or staying at home
  • Doing more exercise (summer is here🀣)
  • Writing more, everyday to be exact. I love it so why not? I’ll actually post something here everyday. Don’t care whether it’s trash or not.
  • Going out more (because I’m such a recluse) I actually pay and RSVP to events but stay home when they come up πŸ™ˆ
  • Taking my sewing machine out of storage. I’ve been meaning to for 3 months now.

Today breaking the habit begins. 66 Days of Change 😊

The little green eyed monster

I woke up at 3am. I had managed to run from insomnia, my abductor for the past few months, for an hour. A little sleep is all I needed to clear my mind. The decision had been made. I was done with you. I had been for weeks but I was still hung up. I wanted to work out my feelings before I let you go. I did not want to regret my decision. Selfishness is a trait we shared. That was a few months ago.

I started another life and found myself someone better. We were inseparable until I met you that day on the street. In the large crowd with all those people, I’m not sure how, but you saw me. I introduced him to you. I saw the flash in your eyes, the little green eyed monster you hid so well had seeped through. I cursed having the ability to read you perfectly. It bothered me but it’s not a skill one loses at will.

I got a text from an unknown number that night but I was sure. I was sure it was from you. “I miss that smile 😊”  it started… A cold chill ran down my spine. We’d been through this cycle over and over again. Every time I left you you realised you missed me, loved me, cherished me, and wished I was back in your arms. You stopped at nothing to get me back. And unfortunately, each time I believed you. Why? I had no idea. Maybe it was because you actually acted like the person I idealised having a forever with. Or it was the fact that we knew each other so well and it scared me to be vulnerable with another. Knowing the damage vulnerability came with, I wasn’t ready for it again. On the other hand though, you never let me have a chance to try. It’s like you knew when to strike. Maybe the Devil guided you, I’m just speculating, but I believe he did. God would never let me stay in this cycle.

I cried myself to sleep that night. He asked me what was wrong but I couldn’t come clean. I just couldn’t let myself go like that again. 

Why? I asked myself. Why does the little green eyed monster make you realise your feelings for me? Was it really love? Or was it the fact that you couldn’t bear seeing me with someone else? I knew I deserved better but why was I weak whenever you appeared? Was I just stupid or were you my kryptonite? I had logic but why did I not use it with you? I mean, love shouldn’t be run on jealousy and unhappiness or does it? “Alright, there I go messing it up again!”

A week later I asked him if we could move. Probably to another country. We had been saving for a trip around the world. It wouldn’t hurt to make it one destination that we both liked. I wanted to start my life with him allover again, away from you and the Demons that haunted me. I had decided to tell him everything. I was breaking the cycle. He was gobsmacked! 

“But you seem so in control!” 

“It’s taken me years to make staying in control a habit”

He agreed to the move. I was elated. He promised to help me work through my emotional constipation. I told him I loved him. He said it wasn’t time yet. I had a while to go before I could love him. It’s then that it dawned on me. I had been lying to myself all along. I wasn’t ready to love anyone, neither him nor you. I couldn’t handle the pain I was introducing him to. I had to do something to stop it. I run away that night.

Relax Child, Relax!

Relax child, relax! Something I tell myself every morning before I jump out of bed. Even before I say that silent prayer thanking God for giving me life. It might seem awkward to you but to me it is everything. “Why?” you ask, because I know what life without relaxing is. It’s having your heart race at the slightest things and feeling like something is constantly chasing you. It’s having your mind tell you all kind of things you should say and do but also playing out the worst case scenarios in 3D. Actually, it’s like having the biggest group of people hurling insults at you, telling you how inadequate you are and how you will never amount to anything sensible. Of course it’s all in your head. Any one you confide in will tell you to be strong and snap out of it but no one knows how hard it is. At that time, no one is in your shoes to empathise with you. So you do what you think is best, you wear that uniform that has kept you going all your life, the “I’m a nice person” smile, “I don’t give a shit” attitude, and the “happy go lucky” hair-do. It doesn’t get better than this, you believe, but your mind has other plans for you. The more you ignore its needs, the bigger it grows, until it overpowers you. Just like that little puppy you refused to train but now it’s too late to change it because it’s bigger than Marmaduke. It is no longer adorable (It is madness I tell you πŸ˜‚) You keep going day after day, holding everything like a bra that’s too small until one day it BURSTS! Yeah, it spills over like a shaken soda, spilling everywhere and messing everything up; work, family, friends, health and worst of all your neatly intact emotions. At first you don’t know what’s happening, you shake it off as a bad day but the bad day becomes a week which carries on into a month. The month ends and another begins, no change. It suddenly dawns on you that you’ve crashed into a wall and you’re going nowhere. You start asking yourself what you should do and one thing resonates in your tired little mind, a whisper saying, “relax child, relax!”

Experiences

20160206_222422We all start our years with resolutions and by February most of us have dropped them or to simply put it, we have gone back to our routines. The funny thing is, we remember them a few months down the road and we only get back to them if they directly affect our routine. I have done the whole resolution thing and it did not go pretty well. Of course, I did exactly what I say above. This year though, I decided to make one resolution; get out of the house more and maximise my experiences!

It is just the second month, it is still very cold. Having been raised in a tropical country, I really hate it! That shouldn’t be an excuse really, seeing as UK is cold most of the year. So scarves and jackets have been taken out, boots and thermals too. Am I going to fight the cold? Yes! I am out, guns blazing and all (I have grenades too 😝 I mean, I am writing this on a bus from Oxford, that should say something, right?)

The first experience was just a week into the year, watching The Hateful Eight on my birthday. Very cold evening but it is Quentin Tarantino, who misses such a man’s work? Who? Point me in their direction. The three hours were worth it, the cold not so much. I was glad I masturdated that night and I enjoyed every bit of it. (I’ve heard watching a movie alone isn’t everyone’s cuppa) I am all up for it though. I even switch my phone off if I really love the movie. So when my mum said it was a boring way for a young person to spend their birthday, I didn’t care, I was happy and that is all that mattered.

Fast forward to this month, things are getting bigger for me. I just went to a concert (the Game is a great entertainer by the way) I have a Surface Design Show to grace my presence with and a lot more I do not know of yet. I am very optimistic about it all.  They say you find happiness through experiences *if no one says, I say it then* and I am out to get more of those on my belt this year. It is all about me anyway, so why not?