On Valentine’s Day and Other Things

Dear future husband,

For reasons unknown to me right now, I’ve decided to write this letter to you on the 13th day of the 2nd month of the 2nd year of Cardi, 14th or so of Rihanna and about the 20th of Beyonce. I mention them because I want to, not much reason to that. The crazy part though, is that I don’t know you, can’t picture who you are or even point out on a map where for the life of me I will find you. But it’s the day before Valentine’s and I’m just hoping when you read this, you’ll say, “that’s cute!” and smile maybe (fingers crossed.)

As I mentioned before, the “official day of love” is tomorrow and in all my stubbornness I can proudly say I have never celebrated it willingly. I hope you haven’t either. Why? I am a fan of things uniquely catered to individual experiences. I’ve been called a snob for it but I like it that way. So between the two of us, we’ll have celebrations like the day we met, the day we became official and the lot. They’ll mean more to us. There’ll be less unnecessary worldly pressure and all I’ll need really is to spend that time with you. I’m a lousy gift giver so I won’t expect you to be good at it either (if you are good, I’m not complaining, I promise)

Also the day you propose. Getting used to manicured nails so that I’m not caught off guard 🀣

Now as I write this, a few reasons for the letter are coming to me. One of them being the fact that I’m tired of being asked why I haven’t been on a date in 2 years. So this is kind of my explanation for those that keep telling me not to give up on finding you.

First of all, I haven’t given up, I am just working on myself. You must know how hard dating is these days. Sieving through all these people to find you is a lot of work. Just as much as working on me. So I decided, why split my time between two activities when I can pick one and master it? Of course the one I can control won hands down. I didn’t have sleepless nights pondering and it’s working well so far.

In addition to that, I am tired. Tired of having to entertain conversations I’d rather do away with just to seem approachable/ agreeable (I don’t know which word fits best) enough to be dated. Being told I am too picky because I know exactly what I want in you. “Give him a chance,” they say, “being picky will not get you far. Time is running out.” For who though? Funny thing is, I’ve always had a list of what I’d want you to be like. Turning 12 this year, it’s evolved with my age and mindset but a few things have remained constant. Just a few, you shouldn’t be scared. I’m not here to make rules for you to abide by.

I am not in a hurry to find you. Take your time. We will meet when the time is right. Maybe we have met and we both know nothing about it *insert picture of current MCM* The universe knows. So I’m putting this out there, I think that is the right thing to do.

That’s all I have to say for now. I will continue another day when I have more for you.

Your future wife,

Mwanyi 😊

Happy Birthday to Me πŸ˜ŠπŸŽ‰

Every year, on my birthday, I write a little letter to myself. It’s like a recap for the year I’ve had and a reflection on how far I’ve come in life. Before I was 25, I used to write it in my diary, then I started this blog, and well…

26 was a good year to me. By good I mean I made so many strides personally. Most of them not tangible but not everything should be seen anyway. I started the year on an all time low, slipping back into depression and hating where I was 

The day I turned 26
(of course I smiled for the camera) but I wasn’t checking in mentally and emotionally. Then one day after a harsh conversation with my mum, I made a vision board. The main things on it were

  • To make friends because I was lonely and basically had no social life
  • Have a better social life. One with less alcohol abuse and more interaction with people on a platonic basis
  • Travel at least once in the year
  • The biggest one of all, was to get out of my comfort zone. That included one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. Go out alone on a night out or day activity where I’m sure I know no one and enjoy it without the Dutch courage from alcohol. Meaning it was all cocktails and no straight whiskey on ice, my favourite (that chaser life isn’t for me) 

    I am happy to say I got to fulfill all of them! All and more than I bargained for. I discovered new places in London, I went to Carnival on both days and even left with a few numbers (never called any of them though but it’s a milestone, I count it! πŸ˜›) I got some girl friends and I now don’t have to have to go everywhere alone πŸ’ƒπŸΎ

    Left to right: Charmaine, Me, Milka and Mima. And this isn’t half of the friends I made 😊 I had a picture of girls looking like us here on my vision board πŸ™ˆ

    I also found out what I want to do with my career, after a 3 year hiatus! I cannot explain the joy in my parents’ voices when I told them I had decided to go back to school. A rest is all I needed to figure myself out. I was exhausted and now I’m excited to study something new. Before I didn’t care much about it.

    One overall thing I learnt though, is that you need to ask to get anything that requires someone else’s input. It doesn’t hurt to ask. The most you can get is a ‘no’ but that shouldn’t stop you from asking someone else. I found out when I was looking for references for my university application. Having to get what you need through emails is one of the hardest things to do. From writing the perfect one, to the wait for the reply, it’s all gruesome but I did it.

    27 in a few minutes, I feel amazing. I see bigger things happening for me this year. 

    To more years, friendships and eating life like a true baby girl πŸ₯‚

    Real joy from within aka when he says “you smell nice”

    50: Prayer & Listening to your gut

    “We pray to God for what we want but sometimes we are too pig-headed to listen to what He is trying to tell us.” – Victor Nambago (aka my uncle)


    Ever prayed for something and heard your heard tell you another? An example is when you are in a tough situation, let’s say a relationship, you pray for it to be fixed but God or the Universe is telling you to pray for yourself to heal after the whole ordeal has ended. It happens to me A LOT! Now I am not a very spiritual person. I cannot even say I am that prayerful either. In fact sometimes when things are looking mad for me and I decide to pray to God, I feel guilty asking for help. Simply because I don’t feel I am faithful enough to be rewarded. I have a complicated relationship with spirituality but that’s a story for another day.

    The story that inspired this post is short but it is going to sound really weird to some who read it. Just last week, my mother called me to tell me that an aunt of mine, who had fought and won the battle against breast cancer last year, had been hospitalised again. The cancer had spread further into her body and hadn’t been noticed the first time. The instructions to me were to PRAY! And I did, I honestly did. Over the weekend though, whenever I prayed for her to recover, my conscience would change it to a prayer for her to rest in peace. Now as someone that chose (quite recently) to always listen to her intuition, I was bothered! I kept asking myself why I was fighting to pray for the right thing. Of course no one wants to lose their loved one. I was not getting the answer I was looking for. Until today, when I woke up to the news that my aunt had lost the battle. It was baffling that I wasn’t shocked. Of course I was devastated that a family member has left us but it didn’t hit me as hard as I expected. It’s until I shared my thoughts with my uncle that he cleared it up for me.

    So what’s the moral of the story? Your intuition, God and the Universe all tell us different things all the time but our “all knowing” brains never listen. We think logic is everything and when stuff we cannot explain or work out happens, we are shocked. Most times in the deepest parts of our guts we know the truth. Don’t ignore your gut.

    RIP Auntie, till we meet again on the other side.

    49: Evaluating My Decisions

    Or taking stock, whatever you may want to call it.

    Things in my life are falling into place. Slowly, but they’re still falling into place. Not in the order I wanted them to according to my vision board though. I honestly will not complain about the order because I’m still getting what I wanted to anyway. I am grateful! The time has come for me to ask myself the questions I have put aside for 6 months (I knew they would come up but answering them at that time would have left me in confusion and made me stall) I’m a big time procrastinator, getting stalled is not a joke!

    So the questions! It’s basically the usual ones;

    • Am I heading down the right path?
    • Am I getting fulfilment from the life I’m living?
    • Am I following through with my goals? (It has to be asked when you have a habit of getting lost in the sauce like I do) Let’s be honest, it’s good for focus but not for moving forward or knowing when to end. 
    • Am I balancing the scales of my life while at it?

    Out of all of them, the last one is the most important. I’ve always found it hard to strike a good balance with the mess in my head. I focus on one thing to forget the other, especially when it proves to be hard. I keep it until it’s impossible to avoid then I work on it. It is a horrible habit. I am working hard to beat it…

    Still loving myself 😊

    48: Healing

    I have been away for a while and like the title says, I have been all about the healing process. Not that much has happened in my life. Let’s be honest, it’s basically been a work-home routine. Sometimes life gets at you and you forget the extras that add sprinkles to it. It’s not the reason I have taken time off to heal though. I have just been drained emotionally for a while.

    Since election time, to be precise, I had decided to go against all my promises to myself and engage in the media fully. I couldn’t afford to be ignorant at at a time like this. My Constitution said I had to know. We all have to. What I had didn’t take into account was why I weaned myself off the news in the first place by at least 80%. It takes a lot of energy from me!

    For the past 6 years, I have been taking in only the main points in the news. No details, no emotional drain. Actually, I read the little strips at the bottom of the screen whenever the anchors are talking (their rehearsed voices are noise to me.) It has been my way of life and it has worked perfectly for me. As an empath, it is what I can manage. I seek out emotional energy naturally. I see joy, sadness and pain and I take it on like it’s my own. This is why the news messes up my system. It is also the reason why I stay away from hospitals and avoid all eye contact if I have to be in one. I read more than I want to see in faces and voices around me so I have to control what I take in to stay emotionally balanced.

    These past weeks have had a lot of pain and suffering in the news. Not to say that it is more than ever, but because I have been indulging in more of it every day, to me it is more magnified. My worry, anxiety and anger have escalated. Sometimes to boiling point but because I lack ways ways to describe it, it’s come out in tears (also the easiest form of expression for me.) The situation got so bad that I haven’t slept properly in a while. That, coupled with the heat, has had me sleeping for about 4 hrs and less every night. I’ve basically been living on coke and coffee for the days I’ve been working (thank God there’s an endless supply of both at work or I would have been in crippling debt.)

    With all that going on, I’ve been slowly burning out and not replenishing my reserves. Last good break I got was an hour sitting buy the river watching the water. It was calming but I need more. So starting next weekend, I’m going to chill for a bit. I still have work lined up for the next 5 or so days, I cannot run away yet. I need to flush my system, spend time with my classical music, zoned out and enjoying the world on mute! I can’t lie, most people are so loud! Especially on Twitter but that’s a story for another day. I’m getting me some healing 😊

    Some skittles? No? Okay, I guess my sweet tooth should be thankful for your decline 😊

    47: Humanity still has it’s beauty

    Today I woke up at 6:30 am to a call from my dad, asking me whether I had seen the news on the fire in London. My first thought was, “Huh?! What is he talking about?” After our conversation ended, I went to my first news source, Twitter, to see what was going on. I didn’t expect the sight my eyes met with. A fire so large engulfing Grenfell Tower that it deserved the inferno from hell description it got. I read the accounts from the survivors, witnesses and everyone that was at the scene at the time. I read about how the tenants had warned their landlord about the hazard that was the building. I am not here to point fingers but to cut the long story short, it was enough for me to say that a lot of negligence went on. It has been a dark day, watching the horror being fought by the fire brigade, people frantically looking for their loved ones. It is all heartbreaking.

    With all this darkness however, there is always a silver lining. Something that makes you think we, as humans, are not as savage as we are played out to be. The response from everyone, making donations both at the refuge centres and online, offering their homes to the now destitute tenants. They have lost everything and people have come up in all ways they can to provide for them. It’s been a beautiful sight today. Humanity still has its beauty tucked under all the filth we manage to see everyday on the news (there’s almost no positivity broadcasted these days!) As much help is needed, not just today, but until the victims of the fire are rehoused and they pick up with their lives. So I am sharing a few go fund me pages I have seen on my time line so far. Every little helps.

    Grenfell Tower Fire Fund by Charmaine Hayden

    Marvin Abbey Grenfell Tower Fund

    These two are the ones that have made it to my time line so far. Started by two people who have decided to take the initiative they want to see around them. It’s a beautiful one, support them where you can.

    May the souls of the departed Rest in Peace and may all the ones affected otherwise by the fire be comforted and continue to receive the love they have been shown today.


    46: I Drew A Blank

    I don’t know why, it just happened. It happened last week. I had a lot to say, and I drew a blank. Trying to recollect my mind in my notes now. Nothing much for me to say yet. The mind is sometimes it’s own entity. When it runs to a halt, you let it be. I learned early not to force anything. Take the break when you need it. Always do, it’s self care. You have got to take the initiative yourself. No one is going to be there to tell you to take care of yourself or better still, make you do it. No one! Unless your being unwell costs them a lot. And even then, they’d rather let you go than bother with you. Sounds tough but that is the world we’re in.

    I drew a blank, and I am taking the time off to fix it because I care about me first 😊

    Here is a picture of a canal somewhere in Uxbridge for you to enjoy. See the swan? It’s beautiful, isn’t it 😊

    45: Drew Barrymore

    The song by SZA, not the actress. My first listen of CTRL, SZA’s new album and this song is already on replay. Track number 4! I haven’t gone through the whole list to 14 yet, but I’ve decided in my heart of hearts that this one is where I’m camping for now. See, it’s gotten me in my feelings. Deep! Much further than I want to go on this Friday night. A night where scrolling the timeline is dangerous for my thoughts. I was better off bingeing a series till bedtime.

    See SZA sings about the insecurities and questions I have often asked myself whenever I fall in love, have a crush or generally have someone I’m interested in. Am I warm enough? Am I too clingy? Am I in love, interested, or just lonely? All these harsh questions but without asking if the other person is worth it all. It’s amazing what I have put myself through for love. 

    I get so lonely, I forget what I’m worth
    We get so lonely, we pretend that this works
    I’m so ashamed of myself think I need therapy-y-y-y
    I’m sorry I’m not more attractive
    I’m sorry I’m not more ladylike
    I’m sorry I don’t shave my legs at night
    I’m sorry I’m not your baby mama
    I’m sorry you got karma comin’ to you
    Collect and soak in it right

    Second verse is my favourite 😊 I have nothing more to say, more like I lost my train of thought. Just listen to the album.

    44: Mindless Ramblings

    It’s mindless and it’s rambling. Take that in. It’s what happens when you’re tired of thinking but your mind refuses to shut down. A lot has happened this week and we are just in the first full week of June. The world seems to be going crazy. It’s mad I tell you! Mad! This is when I pull my hair out. I love it more than proving a point though. That level of whiteness doesn’t exist in any bone in my body.

    My mind goes to many places, some dark, others light. I learnt though, to let it be. I cannot halt my mind. It runs wherever, whenever it wants to. All I have to do is not dwell on where it goes. Fuck the journeys. As in really, fuck them. My life continues despite the madness, right?! RIGHT?! At least I am expected to do so. It’s the reason I write anyway (know the George Orwell book? Read it! It’s somewhere in my Kindle library. Don’t doubt me)

    43: Born A Crime and the Beauty of Motherhood

    The book cover

    I accidentally posted this entry with just a title. Forgive me, I’ve been slacking. The world’s events have been pretty intense. I have so much to say, I wish I could bring it out in one post but it’s all confusion. My mind is in a state of sorts.

    I finished this book a week ago and I loved it. Trust me it is going to get a 2nd, 3rd and 4th read sometime in this my lifetime. Add the audio book to that. I was told it’s much better than just reading the book. You can imagine how glad I am I read it. To think I wasn’t going to until I joinedΒ @atozbookclubΒ on Twitter. A brain child of Azryah Harvey which she introduces in herΒ AtoZBookClubΒ blog post. You can join it too. It’s all online and the books are discussed every month. Just at C, you’re not late. It’s a nice way to keep your reading culture going. At least it’s helping me. I had taken a lazy break from finishing books before then.

    Born A Crime is an interesting book. A good read to be exact. Its filled with stories of Β Trevor Noah’s childhood and how he got to the adult he is now. He paints the gruesome picture of Apartheid and it’s effects in South Africa (You actually get to see it from the view of someone who was a part of it and not a part of it at the same time.) It sounded better in my head. I don’t have another way to describe it unfortunately. You have to read the book to understand what I mean. When you take the Trevor’s position and see the story through his eyes, you see it all.

    What strikes me most about the book though, is his mother, Patricia Noah is a force to recon with. A resilient woman who had and raised a child in a country where his conception was a crime. Not that I want to live in such a ridiculous place, but the way she handled it is something everyone aspiring to be raise a child some day should look forward to doing. Patricia raised her son to see no limitations ahead of him.

    As modestly as we lived at home, I never felt poor because our lives were so rich with experience.

    A direct quote from the book. She took him places, always his guide when he needed her. They were a team. That is something I want to give my children. I want to show them that wherever they are in the world, they are not stopped by anything. That everything starts in their minds. Patricia Noah didn’t have much money but she drove Trevor to places and taught him to use his mind to get out there. Through out the book, you see him using this technique. The resources might not be with you at the time but your mind will lead you to them if you use it.

    β€œBecause,” she would say, β€œeven if he never leaves the ghetto, he will know that the ghetto is not the world. If that is all I accomplish, I’ve done enough.”

    I am not going to spell doom for them. We are currently living in a world where doom and gloom is very easy to find. On the internet, in the news, on your TV, mobile phone, everywhere! Basically, you’re a superhero when you manage to ignore it. This is what I am going to teach them. Be a hero for yourself first. I’m going off course here.Take it from me though, Trevor Noah’s mother, Patricia Noah, has a lot of lessons to teach in being a strong woman, mother and overall human being despite your weaknesses.

    “Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”

    – Thomas A. Edison