It’s been long, it’s still going on. The solo journey was one I embarked on for my well being. Few will understand it but it’s a very comfortable state for me to be in. You never have to care about others opinions on what you’re doing and how you’re going about it. You don’t have to worry about the time you’ll take waiting for someone. You’ll never have to worry about your companion’s preferences. And most of all, you are free to change your mind as many times as you wish because you can. No one will complain about you being so indecisive. I could go on but I ain’t got time for that.
Although great, the realisation of all these advantages does not come straight away. Before I figured out that I could love my time alone, I was always in tears over my loneliness. I would see happy people and couples and I wished for what they had. I stayed in curled up in my bed because I couldn’t handle going places without friends. Eating alone was hard and I would pretend to be busy on my phone to avoid looking out of place or like I had been stood up. My heart broke every time I called up a friend to hang out and they said they were busy. Then one day, I don’t remember when, I realised I was done! Done waiting for LIFE to find me. It was time for me to start living. I had missed out on a lot waiting for people to join me. Especially when I was always the one calling them up. Clearly I didn’t mean as much to them as I thought or whatever it was.
So I’ve started crossing things off my bucket list by myself. Of course I miss having some one to laugh with or tap when I see interesting stuff, someone to help me take pictures (selfies are exhausting) and people to go dancing with, but I’m not torn up about it anymore. I’ve learned to improvise and have a good time alone. It’s not so bad after all. Movies, food and concerts are good when you are on your own too. I’m yet to book a holiday by myself. That might be a hard one, but I will get to it. Baby steps is everything!
All it takes sometimes is to see this yourself. No one else can see it for you.
Another year has gone by and what can I say… Most say time for a new me but that is not how I do it, a new me is born each day that passes and every day is different (I believe that if earth can do it, I surely can too.) Anyway this has been a specially long one that has taught me a lot of things that I will definitely use the rest of my life;
– Working for my money and being broke. After years of getting allowances and pocket money to top up even when I worked, I finally learned the true meaning of money doesn’t grow on trees. I have had days when I come from work and I cannot see straight! Also, being broke is not a myth (seeing negatives on your account is not an easy thing to stomach) On the other hand though, I also realised that being extremely broke is one of the most peaceful states of mind you can have *only if you have a roof over your head though*
– I learnt that it is okay not to be fine and mental health is very important. Once it is affected, everything else will be thrown off course. I spent a lot of time pretending to be happy when I could have come clean. Both to myself and those around me. I’m glad I was finally honest and now I can safely say I am happy even when I still haven’t achieved all that I have set out to achieve.
– Plans change and it is never too late to start over. I thought I was falling behind by starting over until I joined my class. Being one of the youngest made me realise that there is no formula or age for changing the direction you want your life to take. It is all up to you in the end. You create your destiny (if the concept really exists)
– YOU ALWAYS DO YOU! Usually, we are limited by what society thinks of us but after crying on the tube, dancing on the bus and laughing at all the funny stuff I see, I realised, no one actually cares what you do. Especially if it doesn’t affect them. Do what you are supposed to do, when you are supposed to do it but, never forget yourself. At the end of the day, if you are not happy with your actions, you will only have you to answer to. Of course all those that you were trying to please by being uptight will not be there to watch you hate what you did or didn’t do.
All in all, I am glad I am 25! I see where the years have gone and I can fully account for them. I love that I am growing older too and nothing can change my mind about it.
To more years of life💃
Remember those primary school days when we were taught the 3Rs and how they were the basic pillars of education? It stuck with me throughout my years and I finally understand why. It was a straight forward way of thinking. There was no hustle in applying that principle and I loved it! Fast forward to the future, 20…, I think I am ready for the complicated nature of things. Wrong! Reality hits me! I forgot the basics of life! I can’t even list them here, they are all jumbled up. I have to revisit them. I am going back to the basics. Maybe then, I will not rush to an end I do not understand.
Sitcom (noun): a situation comedy. Yeah, I just looked it up and now I seem smart, right? That’s not the point of this piece though. Just finished binge watching a whole 9 seasons of How I Met Your Mother and all I have in my mind is WOW! I have gone through more emotions and epiphanies than I thought I ever had. Whoever came up with the idea of sitcoms really struck gold! A good sitcom has the ability to make you relate with the characters and their experiences. The stories are not always dramatic or laced with life lessons but once in a while a lesson is revealed and depending on where you are in life, it can make you think about your choices and help you make some too. Yes, these are scripts but they show you how pathetic everyone can be once in their lives. Maybe, that is why the good ones really last long. You watch the characters grow through their situations and learn lessons you never knew existed. I have been feeling quite hopeless lately; wrong life choices and everything spiraling out of control but I have enjoyed watching HIMYM and all the craziness it comes with. A few lessons have stuck with me though and those are mostly the lessons about love:
1. Sometimes things have got to fall apart to make way for better things
2. The future is scary but you shouldn’t run back to the past because it is familiar and feels safe.
3. Just because something has to be said it doesn’t mean it has to be heard.
4. Love doesn’t make sense, you can’t logic yourself out of it. Love is the best thing we do and it doesn’t have to make sense to make sense.
5. When you don’t want to lose someone, you have got to take a step to keep that from happening.
6. One set of vows can never remain the same as you grow together. They always have to be updated over the years.
7. None of us can vow to be perfect but we can vow to be the best we can be at love because love is what we do best.
8. Thank God for long difficult roads because you never get where you are without them.
Maybe I will not apply all these lessons at once but I will one day. I have learnt some over my short years of understanding and I still have miles to go. Life is a learning curve, full of ups and downs, smiles and frowns, laughter and tears, roses and thorns. Its never a straight line and sometimes the curve really plumets but it always picks up. Nothing stays the same, I always thank the Lord for that 😊
Whenever the sun sets on a stage in my life, I am always distraught. See, I love planning out everything and the sunset means I will not see some of my plans to the end. One thing though that makes me better throughout the sadness is the prospect of a new beginning. That new beginning is the ray of light that I hang on. Even when it feels so far, I keep looking at it. I know even if it is 3am, the darkest hour, in my life right now, the sun will rise again at 6am. Those three hours between could take a year or two to elapse but they still do move.
I am writing this because once again I have failed to sleep, eventhough I was dosing as I watched a movie; Half of a Yellow Sun. I remember reading the book. I cannot say I relate to it but I can surely say I learn from it. Fighting does not solve everything and everyone does get out of the pits of their lives. It takes a lot of strength and resolve to move on. We are human though and we were created to always move on. Being stuck in one’s past is not healthy and looking too far into the future is just as bad. What you have to find is the middle ground (I hate the word balance) A little future to look forward to, live for, and a little past to learn from so you do not repeat the same mistakes. I got hurt in my past and discovered that I have a bigger problem than I thought existed. Moving forward has started with seeking help to solve the problem. Everything else will fall into place when the time comes. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my beginning.
Sometimes, like now, I find it hard to explain myself, my feelings and how I see things. Sometimes words cannot fully express where your mind is and what is going on. Sometimes you look happy without a care in the world but your heart is pretty heavy and no one can believe you if you say you aren’t. Everything is going your way, you should be happy, you are more fortunate than many others but you don’t feel happy about it.
Few people understand the depths of depression, few get how far down the drain it can take you and how deep the sewers are. I am in hell right now, been there for months! Not just 2 months, its been almost a year now in the sewers. I have been brushing it off constantly because I had absolutely no reason to think about it. Don’t get me wrong, my life has been perfect but maybe that is why I decided to force it to go wrong. I have done and said things to help me justify the pit I am in but nothing has helped. Maybe I should have kept on pretending! But how far can one carry a fake face without cracking?
I dug a hole for myself. Tis a big one. I dug deep and now I am stuck inside it. There is no one in here with me. See I had companions I thought would continue all the way with me but they left after we dug a few feet together. My journey to the center was too deep for them to follow, they had their own to worry about. I said, “alright, maybe you will fall in with me when I get to the bottom.” That did not happen. I tried to crawl back to the surface to be with my companions. I failed to make it in time. They walked away.
Here I am, alone, stuck in my hole. This hole is mine, no one else’s. I dug it and I will get out of it whenever I please. I promise to take my time because time is what I need. I am not in a hurry. See I once tried to hurry and catch up with my companions but all that got me was bruised elbows and knees. I am now stuck in bandages and in pain because I rushed to catch up. I am never doing that again. Time will work with me. I am on a slow crawl back to the surface and I will be happy with both my hole and the victory of getting to the surface.
New place and new people. Always an exciting thing until things stop looking so straight forward. Then it becomes daunting. Everything is changing around you yet you want to stay the same. I tried that and it has not worked for me. I feel like I am a teenager in a new school where I know absolutely no one. I am starting from scratch, unlearning what I know and learning new things altogether. Nothing is harder than that but LIFE HAS GOT TO MOVE FORWARD! Whoever said growing up was easy lied and is still lying. It takes much more than just the body, the mind too is involved and its the stubbornest part of it all. Working, working, working! We will get there 😊
Looking back is being uncommitted to the present and the future. I have realised that I am too stuck up in my past and I am awfully scared about my uncertain future. Busy trying to find answers that will make me calm down but deep down I know I will not find them. I need to stop digging and come back to the surface. After all sometimes gold is found on the river banks. The problems that come with anxiety are really massive! No sleep, over analysing and finally depression! As a result, I am slowly turning into a crazy bitch! I have also realised that by being so fixed up in the past I am kinda destroying my present and future by trying to fix everything including that which isn’t broken. I need to calm down and take everything one day at a time. Stop over analysing things because no one is certain about tomorrow. Baby steps is what I need! Baby steps is all it takes. Slowly working towards my final happiness. I am slowly working on it, slow does it, right?